I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
