If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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