My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
