After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
