Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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