There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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