I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
