Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize