I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
