when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
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