Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
