I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
