I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
well, you know. whores of a feather.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
