Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
