I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
