so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
