I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
