When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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