Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
the night ended with taco bell and tears
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
