Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
