i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
