She is in my trunk
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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