omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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