You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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