eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
