there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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