When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize