My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my shit smells like andre
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize