I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
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