2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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