He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
