so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
