i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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