Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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