yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
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