I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
