The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
