i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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