is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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