I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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