thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
