the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
