Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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