i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
