The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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