I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
