this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
