the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
