I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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