i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
