im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
