Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
