i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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