True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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