Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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