dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
