True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
