we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
