Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
